Cell phone rings Hello Voiceover Hi Quinta. Oh hi, Britney. Why are you talking so weird Britney I'm happy. Happy, why Britney I'm engaged. Voiceover It's an epidemic. Guys, come check this out. It's happening to everyone. Just look around you. This is pretty scary, you guys. This is nuts. This is B.S. Not everyone is getting married, you guys. knock on door I've got it. What's wrong It's my brother, he's engaged. cries I'm so scared.
He was so young. He hadn't even been to a strip club yet. I don't want to buy a wedding gift, or an engagement gift, it's too expensive. Woman in Glasses I'm losing my friends, I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm so alone. Do you think Zach's been acting kind of strange Hold on babe, I've gotta tie my shoe. OK What is this No no no no, this isn't mine. No, No! Ahhhh! Zach Are we gonna have to do the Macarena.
AutoTune the News 2 pirates. drugs. gay marriage.
Perhaps the Constitution envisions certain onesize fits all solutions. Booorrrring! I hear a foghorn! Boorrrrinnng! legislature override a gubernatorial veto. Guboringital! II'm not feeling any. romance between us right now. You gotta do it like this Shawtayee! Ready, set, go! This was a pretty remarkable week on the gay marriage front. First of all, to have a state like Iowa Whatchoo tryna say about Iowa Not the east coast state. East coast! Not the left coast state. Left coast! In a decision written by a republican appointee.
Shawty, now you soundin so fine! Give me your number, we can bump and grind. Talkin about politics all night. Leavin the club in the mornin light. If we get carried away mornin light. we might get gaymarried today. We just heard from some of our viewers who strongly support legalizing marijuana. Shawtayee, 5 of those calls was from me. Do you think we should legalize pot alone or all drugs, including heroin, cocaine, and meth My brain says no, but my body says yes! I'm an angry gorilla. I heard you needed me.
Ooh oh ah ah Now that Captain Richard Phillips has been successfully rescued, the president has decided to step in front of the spotlight. Ooh, I'm angry! You can't see it, but my forehead's veiny. And even take some credit for authorizing the mission. Well, don't you worry, baby boo. You'll always have an angry gorilla to be angry with you. That's what I do. Just ask Donkey Kong. He's in my crew. At the North Pole, new satellite photos show arctic ice is melting so fast. Oh snap, how fast.
Many scientists now predict it will be gone within 30 years. Surely you jest! I'm under cardiac arrest, shawtayee! Some researchers think it could disappear in just six. Shit! Without it there could be a snowball effect. Ohhhh With temperatures rising even faster, if we all don't take bold action and take it soon, Yeah We will find ourselves on very thin ice. Very thin ice Very thin ice. Very thin ice. Tell em, Hillary, pirates on very thin ice. These pirates are criminals. They are armed gangs on the sea.
The Big Bang Theory Sheldon Kisses Penny
Why are you up How am I supposed to sleep I've been married less than 24 hours, and my wife isn't speaking to me. Perhaps you can think of this in a more positive light. In one day, you've managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve. knocking on door Hi. Hey. You couldn't sleep either Of course not. Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat. Not profound marital problems. What are we gonna do I don't know. Please, tell me how I can fix it.
Glad you asked. As I see it, there's a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouthonmouth action. Okay, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Actually, I think he's onto something. YYou can't be serious. 'Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you're gonna do the same with a random guy I'm currently single.
Key Peele Gay Marriage Legalized
THE MOOD IS INFECTIOUS AND EXCITING TODAY AS PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE CELEBRATE BECOMING THE SEVENTH STATE TO LEGALIZE GAY MARRIAGE. WE'RE HERE TALKING TO EXCITED COUPLES ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL ON THIS HISTORIC DAY. OH, HI. HI, HI. UH, YEAH, IT'S A VERY HISTORIC DAY FOR CIVIL RIGHTS. WHOO! AND FOR GAY AMERICANS. AND AMERICANS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY WHOO! WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED! YEAH! WELL, YOU KNOW, WAIT screams WE SAID THAT IT WOULD BE A CONVERSATION, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW.
THIS WAS GONNA PASS SO DARN FAST. OH, MY GOD! SO ARE YOU GUYS A COUPLE laughs ARE WE A COUPLE COME ON, GIRL, LET'S GET SERIOUS. NO, IT'S JUST SO FAST. MY NAME IS LASHAWN. AND THIS IS RIGHT HERE IS MY SAMWICH. IT'S, UH, SAMUEL, YEAH. laughs AND WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED! YEAH! THAT'S SO GREAT. HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TOGETHER WELL, WE'VE BEEN THREE YEARS. IT'S BEEN FOREVER, WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER! IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO KNOW THE PERSON.
WHO IS THE BRIDE I AM THE BRIDE. DODODODODODODO! laughs OH, WELL TELL US ALL ABOUT YOUR PLANS. YOU KNOW, WE NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER SO THERE'S NOT ANY PLANS OH, YEAH! PIECE OF PAPER! WE'RE GONNA GET THAT PIECE OF PAPER, SAMMY! YEAH, YEAH. THAT PIECE OF PAPER! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS WILL GET MARRIED WELL YOU KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF HIDDEN COSTS IN A WEDDING OH, EVERYWHERE! WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED OVER HERE.
AND OVER THERE AND IN THE SKY AND ON A CLOUD. OH, WOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A BIG WEDDING. WELL, YOU KNOW IT'S JUST A CONVERSATION THAT WE HAVE GIRL, WE'RE GONNA RENT THE MOON AND FILL IT WITH ROSES! screams WE REALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WE THINK IT'S FAIR TO EVEN GET MARRIED WHEN IT'S STILL ILLEGAL IN SO MANY OTHER STATES OH, MY GOD! YOU SEE LOOK AT HIM! THAT'S MY MAN WITH HIS BIG HEART. I'M SORRY, MY HUSBAND. YOU MY HUSBAND NOW.
WELL, WE JUST YOU MY HUSBAND NOW, BITCH. OKAY, WE JUST DON'T WANNA RUSH INTO ANYTHING, BECAUSE STUFF GETS OVERTURNED. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED IN CALIFORNIA. BABY I'M GONNA GET A 14KARAT RING THE SIZE OF 14 MOTHERbleep CARROTS. THAT'S WHAT'S UP, DOC! smacking lips WELL, YOU TWO CERTAINLY SEEM EXCITED. YEAH, DO WE SEEM EXCITED OH, YEAH, YEAH. OH, OKAY. CONGRATULATIONS. I HOPE YOU GUYS HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER. WE JUSTWE REALLY JUST DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GONNA PASS. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A HOUSE THAT'S SHAPED LIKE A UNICORN.
Key Peele Auction Block
ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL GATHER ROUND. GATHER ROUND. WELCOME, GENTLEMEN. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED DAY FOR AN AUCTION. ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL, GET ON UP THERE. PUT THAT WHIP DOWN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH. STRAIGHT UP. I DON'T CARE WHAT PLANTATION I END UP ON. I'M STRAIGHT STAGING A REVOLT IN THIS MOTHERbleep. HELLS YEAH. WE HAVE LOT A, LOT B, AND LOT C. UH, $3 ON LOT A. $4. 5! $5 GOING ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES, SOLD. LOT A GOES TO THE MAN IN THE BLACK HAT.
I MEAN, GOOD. YEAH. chuckles I'M GLAD I DIDN'T GET SOLD, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE OWNED BY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. WHOEVER BUYS ME, THEY BETTER KILL ME THE FIRST DAY, OR I'MA GO BUCKWILD ON THE WHOLE OPERATION. OKAAY NEXT ONE, GET UP ON UP THERE, NOW. OH, THISOKAY. both inhale $6 ON LOT A. $7! EIGHT. 9! $9 GOING ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES, SOLD! both exhale OKAY, WELL, YOU HAVE TO BUY THAT DUDE. IT'S A NOBRAINER. I MEAN, THAT GUY'S HUGE.
A MASSIVE INDIVIDUAL. THAT'S TWO OF ME. ANYBODY WOULD BUY HIM. I'D BUY THAT DUDE. MY QUESTION IS HOW'D THEY CATCH HIM NEXT! OKAY. OH, YEAH. YEAH. $2 ON LOT A. $2 GOING ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES, SOLD. SEE, NOW, THAT SURPRISES ME. THAT IS INTERESTING, TO SAY THE LEAST. I MEAN, WELL, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT, IT'S LIKE, DO THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR IT'S LIKE THE WHOLE CRITERIA SEEMS JUST A LITTLE INCONSISTENT.
I MEAN, AT SOME POINT, I WANT TO BE ON LOT A. YEAH, WHICH CAN A BROTHA GET ON LOT A NEXT. OH, HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. BEEN A PLEASURE. GIVE 'EM HELL. ALL RIGHT. OKAY. $8 ON LOT A. GOING ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES, SOLD! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN NOPE, NOT TRUE. HOW DOES IT HAPPEN WHAT YOU JUST SAID THAT'S GOBBLEDYGOOK. OKAY THAT CAN'T BE TRUE. 'CAUSE WHAT CAN THIS DUDE DO.
LOOK AT HIM. WHAT COULD HE PICK A COTTON PLANT IS, LIKE, THIS TALL. YES. I'M SAY NO OFFENSE, BROTHA, I'M JUST SAYING. OFFENSE TAKEN. WHAgasps AM I WRONG IS HE NOT SHORT HE'S SHORT. BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SHORT IN REAL LIFE, IN THE WORLD. YOU'RE GOOD, MAN. ENOUGH. I WILL NOT HAVE MY REPUTATION TAINTED, SELLIN' SUPERFICIAL, BIGOTED SLAVES. SUPERFICIAL DID THAT REALLY JUST COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH THAT'S IT! THIS AUCTION'S OVER! AUCTION'S OVER WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
NO, IT'SIT AIN'T OVER. IT'S NOT OVER! I'M STRONG, Y'ALL! I'M VERY STR I CAN SLEEP IN A BUCKET. I'M FAST, I GOT STAMINA, AND I KNOW MAGIC. MY WORST QUALITY IS THAT I'M A PERFECTIONIST. LET ME MEN HAVE I MENTIONED THIS DOCILE. I AM AGREEABLE TO A FAULT. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE DUDE WHO ASKED ME TO GET ON THE BOAT WHEN WE CAME OVER HERE. NOT A VIOLENT BONE IN MY BODY. I JUST WALKED RIGHT ON, NO BIG DEAL. NEVER SEEN A BOAT IN MY LIFE.
How to Get Out of a Loveless Marriage
Do you know how to get out of a loveless marriage Yes. Actually, there are several ways. What do you recommend First, start treating him as if you love him. Become kind, caring, considerate and the wife he would really enjoy. And then make him hurt when I file for divorce Wait! If you act loving toward him, you may rekindle the romance. Why would I want to do that If you act loving, you may save the marriage by sparking the love you had when you got married. And it is way cheaper than getting divorced.
What's another option Find a marriage counselor to find out what happened. But you need to be careful to find a counselor who will actually counsel you as a couple, instead of simply validate your desire to divorce and bash him to the point that he'd file first. It's important that I find a counselor that I can trust. And if he can't trust the counselor, you won't have a chance to save the marriage. Then I can file for divorce. Yes, you could. But don't think this is a romance novel.
How so Too many women imagine leaving a marriage they think is loveless, just because they fell in a rut and failed to maintain the relationship. Then they think that rich, wealthy and exciting guys will rush up to rescue them. I've read a few of those novels. But men like that want to rescue young, curvaceous teens and twentysomething girls not divorced women with a few years and pounds to drag on them. You make me sound like a bitter divorcee. When a woman leaves a decent guy to find a Prince Charming, and discovers she either.
How The Maze Runner Should Have Ended
We're trapped Thomas! Anything you can think of, we've tried it. Did you try a catapult We tried it. Giant slingshot Yes. Trampoline We lost three guys with that one. Well then have you at least tried climbing out of here course we tried it Of course we tried it! The vines don't go all the way to the top. Um. Yeah they do. But even if they didn't, couldn't you at least built a ladder or scaffolding or something Alright even if you could get all the way to the top so what Then what would you do.
Uh. then I build bridges across or something and climb out in this mess. I can't believe in three years we never tried this! The boys climbed out, ma'am. AAAWWW DANG IT! That maze cost like a bazillion dollars! I told you we should've put a dome over that thing! Now I can't even fake my own death for no reason! Where did all this sand come from I'm just a lonely griever. I'm just a lonely griever. in this giant maze. wishing I could sting some kids. some kids! sobbing.
Louis C.K.Gay peopleWho gives a sh$
Louis C.K. Chewed up People SNL I never understood people are judging people for the way they have sex as some people get angry homosexuals just for being gay to get mad at them her an early understood that you know like because they're just having sex with each other the governors in a PP which is running down the street is putting people the ass willy nilly just like a pet stores like without asking you know like you're the Atma what the hot she says 10 minutes so glad you just might be right now yes seriously.
Threatening its important role in my new pants in mall shared another one fact am I gonna put home this is ridiculous in but they generally don't do that so I don't know what the fucking promise people get mad then when we get don't get married we don't have to go to a wedding with the put you to the by many it doesn't matter said something really well then ok I will marry his dog could talk about me blows his daughter who gives a shit it doesn't matter doesn't have any impact.
On your life with the fuck do you care or people to try to think it's not like I think it's a social issue like when you see someone stand up on and on talk show inside how am I supposed to explain to my child the two men are getting married I don't know what your shitty Kate you fuckin tell why is that anyone else's problem two guys are in love with a cake america's you want to talk to your ugly child for work in five minutes picking here's what you're surely he's really a faggot anyway.
In scooping that Aaron up your stupid no the only the only arm thing that a Ponzi have those that you're not you're not supposed to laugh a gay people when they're funny because sometimes they just harder for many like I lived in New York for a lot of my life in my neighborhood everybody was gay and and it you know some guys are just a guy walking on the street but some gay guys or a guy in little shorts and a half shirt and you know combat boots breaking its green.
The the whistle when he's standing on the corner going to go out packinghouse lives in history time business plan exists by the thousands and some when I see them I laugh really loud I just do you really don't have to get these did not apply because he's fuckin weird and silly his larry is in by spose threeact allow over the whole lawyers in seriousness you know in stupid him the only you actually the 1i would blow a baseman based on who he is is Ewan McGregor that if there is this one guy out there I gotta say.
That I have no game inclinations except for ice met this fuckin dude in person I was they work on support show in Near East and write their names like popped like I was just blown away the she's Christ is fuckin beautiful in any live music you know and I was like fuck and shivered like Icarus shivering like of the cookin gracious in like a week later I just it was like staring off into space and when I realize but I'll just daydreaming about you McGregor and like seriously I'm not gain any other week summer I wanna fuck that guy right.
Sofia Vergara on Moving In with Joe Manganiello
So you and Joe Manganiello areI said this before. You're a fantastic couple. Oh, thank you. And you just seem so right together. When you first met him, did you know cheers and applause Again You always ask me just so you can put the pictures of him there. laughter Yeah. I know. I mean, I'm so lucky. I couldn't believe it. Iat the beginning, I didn't want to go out with him. Why not 'Cause I had just finished a relationship and I wanted to, likehe seemed like a lot work.
Because so handsome and younger than me and, like, so sexy, and the whatever the the best bachelor or whatever he was, and I'm like, Ugh. I'm likejust too much. But he convinced me. He flew to New Orleans and forced me on a date. And then I couldn't you know, I'm like, He's a great guy. Super fun. Super normal. Andand we have, like we click. Like, it's super easy to hang out with him. Yeah. It seems like it. It seems like y'all are a great We're moving today to a house, actually.
I saw him move out. I was actually Oh, really Oh, yeah, 'cause you live not together, but you live We didn't live together. Yeah. How dare you take my man laughter But no, I was driving by, and these guys he had his friends helping him. Like, instead of movers, he has his friends, and they were like, Do you want to help I said No, but that guy is lazy. I mean, like. And they said, I know. He's a weakling. He had his friends helping him move.
Well, he was doing other things, busy with me. All right. You know So you're moving into a new house together today. Today we're during the move, and it's been crazy, but I wanted to come, you know, and see you. Thank you for being here. And I left him unpacking my things. Uhoh. Wow. No, no, no. We have help, and he's doing his stuff. He likeshe has a lot of books that I don't know where I'm gonna put, so.
Yeah. He has a lot of books What kind of books He reads anyeverything. It's, like, a lot of old books. New books. Uhhuh. And. laughter Say books again. Boohks. He has old boohks. But they're driving me crazy! Boohks. It's like, I'm I am, like, looking for a place to put them. We have, like, a wine cellar, and I said, Oh, that's where we should put it, instead of wine. Let's just, like, put them in the little spaces. Winethey.
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