My last relationship,the one I just got out of, I was actually engaged. I was engaged to a superstar. Our relationship was phenomenal. But then he changed. He was doing a lot of sneakythings behind my back. And you ain’tfurious about that? I’m angry because I wantour black men to value us,
and they don’t. When I’m angry, I drink. I like the way it makes me feel. It makes me forget my pain,my hurt, my heartbreak. Alcohol helps, butsometimes I act out. IYANLA (VOICEOVER): Whenyoung women begin acting out, it sets them on a paththroughout their lives that reinforces thedangerous stereotype
of the angry black woman. And until we understand whythis behavior is showing up, that label will be herefor generations to come. What was your biggestproblem in your relationship with that man? Being naive, listening toanything I was being told. You ignored yourintuition as a woman. Yeah.
Do you know how youlearn that, Miss Lira? No. I want to say somethingto you, and I’m not saying it to be disrespectful. OK. You learned to dothat on the pole. LAUGHTER So I’ve been exoticdancing for a while.
People call me names like,oh, she’s a gold digger. oh, she’s a ho, She’s a slut. But you can’t really likelive your life by how other people perceive you. Because on the pole, itwasn’t about you, was it? And how does thatmake you feel now? Very embarrassed. OK.
Those are some of the places wegot to go for your healing, OK? Mmhmm. It’s not going be easy. What I want you to knowis I’ll never hurt you. I’ll never compromiseyour dignity. And when it gets hard,I won’t leave you. But I’m going topush you because I’m
How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship and Resolve Conflict in Marriage
Picture this: You’re fighting with your partner and the tension is rising between you, then all of a sudden you notice a spark of anger in their eyes and KABOOM!!! A massive fight erupts. Now you’ve been here before and you know how these kind of fights end. Usually in icy cold silences with one of you sleepingon the couch and leaving a crater of hurt that could take weeks to recover from. Hi, I’m Bruce Muzik. I’m a relationship coach and I help couples to stop fighting, start connecting and turn their marriages and relationships around. In this tutorial we are going to learn
four counter intuitive strategies to stopany fight from exploding into a volcanic like eruption and actually resolve the conflict in any place. anytime. A big promise?. I know, and I’ve road tested all four of these strategies in my relationship coaching practice so I know that they work.Here is strategy number 1: Imagine you are in a boxing ring. and your opponent is throwing punches at you left, right and center What do you do? Well, you block andyou duck and you defend yourself and whenever you get an opportunity you throw a coupleof punches back, and they block and defend themselves and you go backwards and forth creating punches. When you’re defending. you
are inviting them to attack and throw punches. When you are attacking, you are inviting them to defend. And what most people don’t see is that defense and attack are two sides of the same coin and as long as you’re defending yourselves you’re inviting an attack and as long as you are attacking you’re inviting your opponentto defend themselves. The only way to stop a fight is to actually step out of the ring. completely. Try this instead: Instead of fighting bedefenseless. You are actually inviting conflict in by defending yourself, so here is an easy way to be defenseless. Find something you can agree with your partner about. Find something in what they’ve said that you can
agree with. You might hypothetically say somethinglike quot;Yes honey, you’re right. I did leave the car headlights on and the battery is flatquot;. With no yelling at you about leaving the lights on in the car. This is going to completely catch them off guard and interrupt that pattern of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend. It will also sooth your partner and calm them down knowing that you’re not defending. That you are actually agreeing with them. But Bruce! I hear you cry. What if I can’t find somethingto agree with? Well. then you’re going to try strategy number two. Strategy number two is to demonstrate that you are listening. You see, we human beings have an almost primal need to feel heard and understood; and half the time your partner
is upset their just wanting you tolisten to them, they just want you to hear them so they can feel that you understandthem and you care about what they are saying. So try this strategy to make you partnerfeel heard and understood. When they are talking with you in an upset tone of voice, instead ofdefending yourself; repeat back to them what they actually said. So you might say somethinglike, quot;So what I am hearing you say honey is that I left the lights on and the car batteryis flat and now you’re gonna be late for work, did I get it?quot; Notice at the end I putthe phrase quot;DID I GET IT?quot; I did this because I want to confirm that I’ve actually understood what my partner says, it shows them how much
I really want to understand what they aresaying, and it’s also a sign of respect and calms down that reptilian part of their brain that might be about to get triggered. When they hear you say quot;Did I get it? They knowthat they are going to have an opportunity to speak and you’re just going to listen,you are not going to be defending. It’s a great way to deescalate conflict. Try it! Itworks like magic. I’ll teach you an even more advance version of this tool in my Love At First Fight coaching program, which I will tell you more about at the end of this tutorial. Now, strategy number three is to take ownership of the situation and apologize for your part in it. But youdid left the headlights on didn’t you? Yeah