Picture this: you’re fighting with your partner and the tension is rising between you, then all of a sudden you notice a spark of anger in their eyes and KABOOM!!! A massive fight erupts. Now you’ve been here before and you know how these kind of fights end. Usually in icy cold silences with one of you sleeping on the couch and leaving a crater of hurt that could take weeks to recover from. Hi, I’m Bruce Muzik.
I’m a relationship coach and i help couples to stop fighting, start connecting and turn their marriages and relationships around. In this tutorial we are going to learn four counter intuitive strategies to stop any fight from exploding into a volcanic like eruption and actually resolve the conflict in any place. anytime. A big promise?. I know, and I’ve road tested all four of these strategies in my relationship coaching practice so I know that they work. Here is strategy number 1:.
Imagine you are in a boxing ring. and your opponent is throwing punches at you left, right and center What do you do? Well, you block and you duck and you defend yourself and whenever you get an opportunity you throw a couple of punches back, and they block and defend themselves and you go backwards and forth creating punches. When you’re defending. you are inviting them to attack and throw punches. When you are attacking, you are inviting them to defend. And what most people don’t see is that defense and attack are two sides of.
The same coin and as long as you’re defending yourselves you’re inviting an attack and as long as you are attacking you’re inviting your opponent to defend themselves. The only way to stop a fight is to actually step out of the ring. completely. Try this instead: Instead of fighting be defenseless. You are actually inviting conflict in by defending yourself, so here is an easy way to be defenseless. Find something you can agree with your partner about. Find something in what they’ve said that you can.
Agree with. you might hypothetically say something like yes honey, you’re right. i did leave the car headlights on and the battery is flat. With no yelling at you about leaving the lights on in the car. This is going to completely catch them off guard and interrupt that pattern of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend. It will also sooth your partner and calm them down knowing that you’re not defending. That you are actually agreeing with them. But Bruce! I hear you cry. What if I can’t find something to agree with? Well. then you’re going to.
Try strategy number two. strategy number two is to demonstrate that you are listening. you see, we human beings have an almost primal need to feel heard and understood; and half the time your partner is upset their just wanting you to listen to them, they just want you to hear them so they can feel that you understand them and you care about what they are saying. So try this strategy to make you partner feel heard and understood. When they are talking with you in an upset tone of voice, instead of defending yourself; repeat back to them what.
They actually said. so you might say something like, so what i am hearing you say honey is that I left the lights on and the car battery is flat and now you’re gonna be late for work, did I get it? Notice at the end I put the phrase DID I GET IT? I did this because I want to confirm that I’ve actually understood what my partner says, it shows them how much I really want to understand what they are saying, and it’s also a sign of respect and calms down that reptilian part of their brain that might be about to get triggered. When.
They hear you say did i get it? they know that they are going to have an opportunity to speak and you’re just going to listen, you are not going to be defending. It’s a great way to deescalate conflict. Try it! It works like magic. I’ll teach you an even more advance version of this tool in my Love At First Fight coaching program, which I will tell you more about at the end of this tutorial. Now, strategy number three is to take ownership of the situation and apologize for your part in it. But you did left the headlights on didn’t you? Yeah.
Weird Things All Couples Fight About
*cheery strings music play* That’s not how you fold the towels. It doesn’t matter how you fold a towel. It does matter how you fold a towel. If you want it to fit in the closet, you have to roll it. *loud crunch* Oh my God could you chew any louder? *louder crunch*.
This goes on here. it takes two seconds. Well.Then the next person who comes in will do it. That’s not the point. Hey did you throw away my left overs? No. I coulda swo ohh you bitch.
What did you call me? Nothing. The toilet paper goes over. It’s printed that way so you could see it. No. The toilet paper goes under so that the cats don’t get at it. That makes no sense. What do you want to get for dinner?.
I don’t really care. The just pick something. You choose. Told ya! Shut up. I don’t see why I have to put the utensils face down.
Because when they’re sticking up like that, if someone trips and falls, they’re going to impail themselves and die. That’s literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m not playing this game where I list every single thing and you shoot it all down. I’m not doing this again. Well then I don’t know what to tell you. Oh my gosh watch this! This is the best line. Did you watch this without me?.
You weren’t home! *mug clanks* Seriously?! 6 more inches and it’s in the sink. Well then put it in 6 more inches. *heavy sigh* Get it? I get it. Anything will be fine. Fine. Fine! Alright! We’re gonna get. pizza It’s food.
Anything but pizza. *phone slams on table* What do you wanna eat? That is Bill Paxton! It is Bill Pullman. Bill Paxton was in Aliens.That is Bill Paxton. That is him. Game over, man. That is that man right there. Why am I gonna put them away? I’m wearing them tomorrow morning.
I don’t care if you’re wearing them tomorrow morning. i don’t want them just sitting by my side of the bed all night. Why do you do this?! You squeeze from the bottom. The next person doesn’t have to squeeze then. It’s toothpaste. It’s not like it’s hard to squeeze it from a new area on the tube Why are we fighting about this? Why are we fighting about this? Why are we fighting about this?!. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. made you make the decision. With that being said, I think your original call of pizza is fine. Just no pepperoni.